The Times of India, Student Edition
A Times NIE initiative
Browse, Engage, Contribute
Welcome to your own world...
Forgot Password ?
or Register(For New Member)
Q: What is it that no one wants, but no one wants to lose?
A: A lawsuit
Q: A seven-letter word containing thousands of letters____.
A: Mailbox
Q: Peter’s smart phone fell into a big mug of coffee but didn’t get wet. How was this possible?
Which part of your body makes you scared?
Q: What bow can't be tied?
A rainbow!
How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles.
Why did the skeleton hit the party solo?
*Critic* (n.)
A person who puts more thought into a novel than the original author ever did.
*Sibling* (n.)
You’d give them your kidney but you won’t let them borrow your charger.
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?" He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, “What was the question?" Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the eraser at the principal?”
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
A: Envelope.
Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!
An eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled: “So where’s your igloo?”
The friend replies, “Oh no, I must have left the iron on…”
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping?
A dino-snore!
What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip!
Q: What do you call a cat that throws all the most expensive parties?
A: The Great Catsby
Q: What is a well-read cat’s favourite book?
A: Of Mice and Men
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A Maybe.
If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.
Q: What job did the frog have at the hotel?
A: A bellhop.
Q: How do you put a baby alien to sleep?
A: You rocket.
You know you’re texting too much when…
Pun with Math
Q: Why should you wear glasses during maths class?
A: They say it improves division.
I don’t get the point of decimals.
I’m more partial to fractions.
Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store?
She heard you could get thinner there.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.
A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God: “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
God: “Wait a minute.”
Salesman: Do you want this powder?
Customer: What is it for?
Salesman: For ants!
Customer: No, today if I give powder, tomorrow they will ask for lipstick.
Interviewer: What is your qualification?
Candidate: Sir, I am a Ph.D. Interviewer: Ph.D? How’s that? Candidate: (Smiling) Passed High School with Difficulty!
Q) What makes the sun so smart?
A) A million degrees.
Q) Why did the burglar have a bath?
A) He was keen to make a clean getaway.
Q) Which item is the most destructible in the Avengers?
A) Hulk's pants.
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
Math is punny
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a hotel.
“Get out of here!” shouts the waiter. “We don’t serve your type.”
Teacher: Can you tell me more about the Dead Sea?
Student: I didn’t even know that it was sick!
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
Police: Knock knock
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police
Me: What do you want?
Police: We want to talk
Me: How many are there?
Police: Two
Me: Talk to each other
A software engineer drowned at sea. He was crying out, but no one understood his words. What did he say? ‘F1, F1’!
Why do grasshoppers stay away from football matches? They prefer cricket matches.
Waiter, will my pizza be long? A: No sir, it will be round!
Teacher: Why do we drink water?
Pupil: Because we cannot eat it.
Why did the physics teacher fight with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
A: I have a doctor’s appointment today but I really don’t want to go…
B: Just call in sick then.
Q. What has hundreds of ears but can’t hear a thing?
In a class the teacher looked at Mary and said, “Name two
Mother: (noun)
Q. How does the Man in the Moon cut his hair?
A. Eclipse it!
Q. Why was the broom late for school?
A. It overswept!
What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
It means a poor horse has gone barefoot.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity!
That is impossible. Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!
Shreya Ravi, class IX, The Brigade School, Malleswaram, Bengaluru
What kind of music are balloons afraid of?
Teacher: Where are you from, Pascal?
Q: What did the gamekeeper say to the lord of the manor?
A: The pheasants are revolting!
Son: Mom I got 100 in school today.
Mother: Wonderful, what did you get 100 in?
Son: Two subjects – I got 50 in Hindi and 50 in maths.
Mother: Well, at least you can add.
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: The mooooo-vies!
Q: What did one firefly say to the other?
A: You glow, girl!
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A: A stega-snore-us.
We really need to stop talking about mitosis. It’s such a divisive issue.
Q. What do clouds do when they become rich? A. They make it rain!
Three guys stranded on a desert find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants each of them a wish. The first wishes he was back home. The second wishes the same. The third says "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Yashas M Salian, class X, St Mary's Public School, T Dasarahalli, Bengaluru
Science is Punny
Q. What do scientists use to freshen their breath?
A. Experi-mints!
Q. Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?
A. It was full!
Q: Why didn’t the sun go to college?
A: Because it already had a million degrees!
Q: What do planets like to read?
A: Comet books!
Math is Punny
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.
Q: What do you call friends who love maths?
A: Algebros
Q: Why do bananas use sunscreen?
A: Because they peel.
Q: How do Eskimos make their beds?
A: With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
Q: How do you make a fire with two sticks?
A: Make sure one is a match!
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
Because she always runs away from the ball!
Q. What’s a banana peel’s favourite type of shoe?
Slippers!
Q: What kind of plates do they use on Venus?
Flying saucers.
Q: When do astronauts eat?
At launch time.
Jacob: Why was the teacher wearing sun glasses at school?
Teacher: Ramu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Ramu: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Teacher: Shamu, go to the map and find North America.
Shamu: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, Ramu, who discovered America?
Ramu: Shamu!
Q: What do you get when you plant a frog?
A: A cr-oak tree.
Q: What is the quietest kind of a dog?
A: A hush puppy.
Q: How is a dog like a telephone?
A: It has a collar I.D.
Q: What did the grape do when the elephant stepped on it?
A: It gave a little wine!
Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
Q: Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
1. What’s the definition of an optimist?
A college student who opens his wallet and expects to find money in it.
Sanurag basu, Class AS level, CIS, Kolkata
Q: Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea?
A: To go with the jellyfish!
Q: Why shouldn't you tell an egg a joke?
A: Because it might crack up!
Teacher: Which book has helped you the most in your life?
Student: My father's chequebook!
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
Q: How do bees get to school?
All doughnuts are better than most people because doughnuts aren't self-centred at all.
What’s the maths teacher’s favourite dessert? Pi(e).
Host: Would you like a second helping of rice?
Mrs Teddy Bear: Oh no, thank you, I am stuffed.
Meera Mothilal, class XI, Hari Sri Vidya Nidhi School
Funny Puns
Q: What do elves learn in school?
Two trucks were travelling on a highway. The second truck driver was continuously blowing the horn. After 10 minutes the first truck driver got down and asked with a lot of irritation, ‘why are you continuously blowing the horn?’ The second truck driver replied, ‘Because of the writing behind the truck, HORN PLEASE.’
What do you call a tired pea? A sleep-pea!
What kind of music does the Earth like?
Rock-music
What do you call an alligator in a vest.
Investigator
What do you call a pig, which does a karate chop?
Pork chop.
Namita A, class IX, Edify School, B’lore
What’s the easiest way to get straight A’s?
Use a ruler.
What’s a balloon’s least favourite type of music?
Pop
Two gold fish are in a tank.
Q: Where do boats go to when they get sick?
A: The dock!
Q: Who cleans the ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid!nQ: Where do boats go to when they get sick?
A: A Mer-Maid!
At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.
"Are you nervous?' asked the interviewer kindly.
"No, "I replied. " I always give 110 per cent."
Why don't ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.
Dishanth Arya, class VIII, MES KKPS, Bengaluru
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, ”Hi-Jack!”
All the passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, “Hi Mike!”
Bipraditya Mukhopadhyay, class XI, MPB, Kolkata
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”
The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
I tried to escape the 'apple' store. I couldn't. Why?
FUNNY PUNS
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
How did I escape Iraq?
Iran.
Q: What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?
Mother: How was school today, Patrick?
Patrick: It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!
Mother: Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?
Patrick: What school?
Aryan Tandon, class VIII, NPS Chikkabanavara, Bengaluru
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore…
But he did have a hand in it.
What kind of tea did the American Colonists want?
Liberty.
1. A man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for a local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...
To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!
A boy broke an old vase at his uncle's house. The uncle was furious and yelled at the boy: "Do you even know how old that vase was? It was from the 7th century ". The boy sighed with relief. "Oh! Thank goodness, it was not new!"
Harsh S Gaonkar, class VII, DMCS, Bengaluru
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 who says he's invisible" "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?"
Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.
Q: Why is tennis such a loud game?
A: Because each player raises a racquet.
Q: What’s the tallest building in the world?
A: The library, because it has the most stories.
Sleep is a weak substitute for coffee.
Q: What do you call sad coffee?
Popular coffee shop vendor: How do you take your coffee?
Customer: Very, very seriously.
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2. Recording on an Australian tax help line.
Q: Why did the opera singer go sailing?
A: She wanted to hit the high Cs.
Q: Why did the policeman go to the baseball game?
A: He'd heard that someone had stolen a base!
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
Student 1: Why was school easier for cave people?
Student 2: Why?
Student 1: Because there was no history to study !
Teacher: How can you prove that people who eat green vegetables have excellent eyesight ?
Student: Sir, no one has ever seen a cow or horse wearing glasses!
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
It’s punny
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
It rains cats and dogs but doesnt reindeer.
Take the dough I don’t knead it!
Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.
What Shampoo does a doctor use when he has no patients?
Ans: Clinic All Clear
How do you throw a space party?
Ans: You planet.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Ans: GOURDgeous.
Ananya Rao, class VIII, Vidyashilp Academy, Bengaluru
My friend made a joke about a TV controller.
It wasn't remotely funny.
I have a speed bump phobia but I'm slowly getting over it.
I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
A golf ball is a golf ball no matter how you putt it.
I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.
Q. Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight? A. It had too many sleepless knights.
Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. You’ll make some crosswords.
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Pupil: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.
Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.
How can you make number seven into an even number?
Just take the "s" out from it!
One day a friend says to another: “I do not drink water after eating fish.”
The other friend asks him why?
“What if the fish starts swimming in my stomach?” asked the first friend.
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line!
Johnny: I tried, but somebody was already there.
A mother asked her young son: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? The young son replied, "You said it was my lunch money."
Man: Lord, what's a thousand years to you?
God: A second.
Man: What's a thousand dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Yes, just a second……
Why did the tomato blush?
A. Because he saw the salad dressing!
- Ilina Srivastav, Harvest Intl School, B’luru
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a horse?
A: Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Student: My father's cheque book!
Q: Why didn't the Sun go to university?
A: Because he already has millions of degrees!
Mother: Reeta, eat your spinach, it'll put colour in your cheeks.
Reeta: But Ma, I don't want green cheeks.
Mother to Johnny: “How was your exam?”
Johnny: “All the questions were simple, it was the answers that gave me the trouble.”
Father: Hey, why don't you go and study?
Son: For what?
Father: You will get good marks.
Son: Then?
Father: You will get good salary.
Father: You can get a new car, big house.
Father: Then; you can relax.
Son: What do you think I am doing right now?
Rashi S, class VIII, Venkat International Public School, Bengaluru
Which is the best time to visit a dentist?
A: Tooth hurty (2:30)
Dad: What is 35+50*56/2?
Son: A headache.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grump-pea.
Why is number six afraid ?
Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine).
Q: If an electric train is travelling south, which way is the smoke going?
A: There is no smoke, it’s an electric train!
Q: You draw a line. Without touching it, how do you make the line longer?
A: You draw a shorter line next to it, and it becomes the longer line.
Q: What animal can carry the most on its back?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Antteneye!
Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: Don't birthdays burn you up?
How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is already full of gorillas.
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
A photographer for a national magazine wants to take pictures of a great forest fire. His boss tells him that a small plane will wait for him at the airport. The plane will fly him over the fire.
The photographer comes to the airport an hour before sunset. A small airplane is waiting there. He jumps in with his camera and shouts, “Go!” The nervous man sitting in the pilot’s cabin starts the plane and soon they’re in the air. There is a strong wind and the plane is making strange moves.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” says the photographer, “And go very low.”
“Why?” asks the nervous pilot.
“Because I will take pictures!” shouts the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” The pilot asks, “ You are not the flight instructor?”
Father to son after exam: Let me see your report card.
Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
Teacher: I think you are chewing gum.
John: No Sir, I am John Smith.
Teacher: Name four members of the cat family.
Pupil : Daddy cat, mummy cat and two kittens !
Why did the teacher write the lesson on the windows?
He wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line! Johnny: I tried, but somebody was already there.
A mother asked her young son: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Son: You said it was my lunch money.
Maths teacher: What is a line?
Johny: A line is a dot that's going for a walk
Maths teacher: Then what are parallel lines?
Johny: A dot going for a walk with his friend!
Alex asked Sammy what they will do that night.
Sammy replied: "We will flip a coin".
Then Alex said: "If it comes head, we will go for movies. If tails, we will play games, if it stands on edge, we will study"!
Lady : My husband just swallowed an aspirin by mistake, what shall I do?
Doctor : Give him a head ache now, why waste the medicine?
Friend 1: Dude, send me some jokes quickly.
Friend 2: No, I'm busy studying.
Friend 1: Good joke, keep sending more like this.
Bob: Oh my! I just fell off a 30 ft ladder.
Jim: Seriously? Are you okay?
Bob: Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step.
A: Does your dog bite?
B: Nope.
A: Oh, so how do you feed him?
Q: Why couldn’t Mrs Dracula sleep?
A: Because of Dracula’s coffin.
A: Do you want to hear a joke backwards?
B: Yes…
A: Very good, start laughing now.
Q. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play??
A. To get away from the noise.
What did the cat say when the kitten got away?
A: You’ve got to be kitten me!
Q: What has 13 hearts, but no other
organs? A: A deck of cards.
Two friends were chatting...
What is Santa Claus' favourite detergent?
A: Yule-Tide
How do skeletons always stay calm?
A: Nothing gets under their skin!
The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite
What did the doctor say to the man who thought he was a deck of cards?
A: I'll deal with you later.
Paul: What's the best thing about Switzerland?
Tim: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Srishti Das, class XI, The Frank Anthony Public School, Bengaluru
Q: What do you get when you mix beans and onions?
A: Tear gas.
Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, "Twist to open."
Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?
Q: What's brown and lives in a bell tower?
A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.
Q: What did the apple say to the worm?
A: You're boring me.
Have you been eating cake lately? You look a little crumby.
A diner yells, "Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?"
After taking a close look at the soup, the waiter said, "It looks like the breaststroke, sir."
Q: What animal rotates at least 200 times after it dies?
A: A rotisserie chicken.
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
A snail walks into a hotel and the hotel manager tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the hotel and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the hotel and asks the manager, "What did you do that for?"
The student wrote only 5.
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Q: Why did the physics teacher argue with the biology teacher?
A: There was no chemistry.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you are a mouse.
I’ve always thought my neighbours were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-fi.
Can you name a bear with no socks?
A bare-foot!
What kind of a star can be risky?
A shooting star!
Q: Why do the French like to eat snails so much?
A: They can’t stand fast food.
A guest calls the waiter and complains, “How come there are no chairs at our table?!”
The waiter shrugs, “I’m sorry but you only booked one table…”
A man talking to God:
The man: “God, how long is a million years?”
The man: “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God: “To me it’s a penny.”
The man: “God, may I have a penny?”
A poor man sees an extremely rich man sitting at a park bank.
Poor man: I have an amazing talent; I know almost every song that has ever existed.
The rich man laughs.
I am willing to bet you all the money you have in your wallet that I can sing a popular song that includes a lady's name of your choice.
The rich man laughs and says, OK, how about my daughter's name, Joanna Armstrong-Miller?
The poor man gets rich singing the Happy Birthday Song!
A: The paper was easy!
B: Yes, but the third question was tough.
A: The past tense of think?
B: Yes, I thought, and thought and thought, and at last wrote 'thinked'.
Two students are talking:
- What are you reading?
- Quantum physics theory book.
- But why are you reading it upside-down?
- It makes no difference anyway.
Why do magicians do so well at school?
Beacuse they are good at answering trick questions.
What kinds of tests do they give witches?
Hex-aminations.
Why did the broom get poor grades at school?
Because it was always sweeping during class!
Teacher: If you had 13 apples, 12 grapes, 4 bananas, 2 pineapples, what would you have?
Billy: A delicious fruit salad.
Sarayu O Sringeri, class X, Sri Aurobindo Memorial School, Bengaluru
It’s Punny
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
What did ET’s mother say to him when he got home?
“Where on Earth have you been?”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
The future, the present and the past walked into a room and things got a little tense.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.
Q: Why did the music teacher need the ladder?
A: To reach the high notes.
Q: What do librarians take when they go fishing?
A: Bookworms.
A: Flying saucers.
Q: Why did the nose not want to go to school?
A: He was tired of getting picked on.
Q: What did the pencil say to the pen?
A: So tell me what's your point?
Q: How did the music teacher get locked in the classroom?
A: Her keys were in the piano.
A: At launch time.
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
Principal: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Principal: Exactly!
Which is the oldest animal in the world?
Zebra, because it's black and white.
How do I create relationships?
Very simple. Buy a sheep. Name it "relation". You now have a relationsheep.
What new crop did the farmer plant?
Beets me!
What is a sheep’s favourite game?
Baa-dminton.
A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time. The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water."
Q: What is Dr Jekyll's favourite game?
A: Hyde and Seek.
Q: What do librarians take with them when they go fishing?
Q: Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal!
Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean?
Teacher: What does your history book tell you about the Civil War?
Pupil: It doesn't tell me anything. I have to read the whole thing.
Teacher: Why are you holding your textbook up to the window?
Pupil: You told me to open it up to the Middle East.
Teacher: How many books did you finish over the summer?
Pupil: None. My brother stole my box of crayons.
Amaresh is driving down a highway, when he spots Bholu standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls his car over to the side of the road and notices that Bholu is just standing there, doing nothing.
Amaresh gets out of the car, walks up to Bholu and asks him, "Excuse me, what are you doing?"
Bholu replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." “How?" asks Amaresh.
"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are ‘out standing’ in their field."
“Hurry up or we'll be late!” shouts a teacher to her KG class.“What's the rush?” a tot asks. If we're late, we'll miss your next class!” the teacher says. “If you're in such a hurry, go on without us,” says the kid.
In a pond, there are 10 fish. One of them dies, and the water level of the pond rises. How?
A: The other nine fish are crying.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all.
Which bow can't be worn?
A: Rainbow.
Which flower talks the most?
A: Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!
Which bed can you not sleep in?
A: Flower bed.
Why are fish so smart?
A: Because they live in schools!
- Krupa Prajna, class V, Lodha World School, Mumbai
It’s Punny!
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?
A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!
Q: Music teacher: What's your favourite musical instrument?
A: Kid: The lunch bell!
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You're pointless!
Policeman: Why don't you switch on the lights of your scooter?
Driver: Because there is light everywhere.
Policeman: Then I will puncture your tyres.
Driver: Why will you do so?
Policeman: Because there is air everywhere!
Q: Why don’t mountains get cold in the winter?
A: They wear snowcaps.
Q: What is a snowman’s favourite breakfast?
A: Frosted Flakes!
Q: Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?
A: It ran out of juice!
Q: What did one wall say to the other?
A: I’ll meet you at the corner.
What kind of school do you go to if you’re…
An ice-cream man? Sundae school.
A giant? High school.
A surfer? Boarding school.
King Arthur? Knight school.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A: A cat-tastrophe.
What do you get when you cross a snake with a pie?
A: A pie-thon!
What is the most musical part of the chicken?
A: The drumstick.
What is it that you get when you help a lemon that's in trouble?
A: Lemon-aid.
What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Micro-waves.
What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?
What kind of shoes do all spies wear?
A: Sneak-ers.
Teacher: Which is your next exam?
Student: Business Studies.
Teacher: Your business is studies
Teacher: What test do you have next?
Student: Physics.
Teacher: Hope you have good chemistry with physics.
Jack: Who is that?
Jill: It’s my distant relative.
Jack: Relatives are better distant.
Jill: But not all.
Jack: That’s why it is ‘Relative’.
Question in the exam: Fill in the blanks with appropriate clause.
Here comes my brother________.
Student: Here comes my brother Sumesh P K.
Compiled by Anusree Karthikeyan, class XI, from PGT English Santhosh Kana’s class
Q. Where do orcas hear music ?
A. orca -stras!
Q. What do you call a fish without an eye?
A. Fsh!
Q. Why do fish live in salt water?
A. Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q. Where did the sheep go for vacation?
A. The Baaaaaaaahamas !
Q. What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A. A lawn moo-er .
Q. How does a dog stop a video?
A. He presses the paws button.
Q. What kind of food is never on time?
A: Choco-late
Mayukh Bhattacharya, class VII, TIGPS, Konnagar, West Bengal
Q: What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A: A pork chop!
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they use honeycombs.
Q. It's been around for millions of years, but it's no more than a month old. What is it?
A. The moon.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
Q: How did the barber win the race?
A: He knew a short cut.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of Mount Everest?
A: A high-pot-in-use
Q: What do you call a crushed angle?
A: A Rectangle (wrecked angle)
Q: Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
A: Because she sprained her angle!!
Q: What do you get when you cross geometry with McDonalds?
A: A plane cheeseburger.
A: You are pointless!
Q: Why did obtuse angle go to the beach?
A: Because it was over 90 degrees.
Q: What did the student say when the witch doctor removed his curse?
A: Hexagon
A: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Did you hear about the farmer who fed crayons to his chickens?
He wanted them to lay coloured eggs.
A: It was coffee powder.
Q: What is dirty after washing?
A: Your bath water.
Q: Maybe I can hear everything but you'll never hear me say a word. Who am I?
A: Your ear.
Q: What insect needs to eat the least?
A: The moth – it only eats holes.
Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
A: Because it was always running out of the pen.
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!
The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
Q: How was Rome split in two?
Why didn't the dinosaur cross the road?
Because there weren't any roads during the Jurassic Period!
Hello doctor, can you look at my laptop?
Why?
It looks like it has caught a virus.
What does an octopus wear in the cold?
A coat of arms.
What kind of dog always runs a fever?
A hot dog!
What did momma buffalo say to her son before school? Bison!
Old man with just eight hair on his head goes to the barber. Barber asks: Cut or count? The old man smiles and says, "Colour it!"
Syed Arbaan, class IX, Army Public School, ASC Centre & College, Bengaluru
A man comes back to his car and finds a note that reads "Parking Fine" He turns the note and writes on its other side - "Thanks for the complement."
Two friends were fixing a bomb in a car.
First friend: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.
Second friend: Don’t worry, I have one more.
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure. I’d also like to remind you about the Rs 80,000 that you owe me?
Teacher: What happened in 1809?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1819?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.
Q: What happens when you eat too many spaghetti-os?
A: You have a vowel movement.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear.
Q: Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?
A: They make up everything.
Q: What’s it called when you have too many aliens?
A: Extraterrestrials.
Q: Want to hear a pizza joke?
A: Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
Q: What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards?
A: A receding hareline.
Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log on.
Q. If it takes eight men and 10 hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. He sleeps at night.
Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?
A: A desserter.
n“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”
Q: What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison?
A: An escapea.
Q: What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?
A: An envelope.
Q: How did Native Americans say vegetarian?
A: Bad hunter!
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Candidate: Sir, I am a PhD.
Interviewer: PhD? How is that?
Candidate: ( Smiling) Passed High School with Difficulty ......!
Principal to Raju: Why did you come so late. The school starts at 8 and you came at 9?
Raju: Oh! it’s ok ma'am you need not wait for me. I will not mind if you start the school before I arrive.
A cute sentence written by a child on his maths book:
Dear maths grow up and start solving your problems on your own, I have my own problems to solve.
Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?
My name is Paul.
Q. What is the easiest way to double your money?
A. Put it in front of the mirror!
Q. What has a thumb and four fingers but is not alive?
A. A glove.
Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Q: What can't be used until it's broken?
A: An egg.
Q: What is black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper.
Q: Why is the A like a flower?
A: Because the B is after it.
Why is the letter "A" like noon?
Because it's in the middle of the day.
Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.
A: A mushroom.
What do cows most like to read?
Cattle-logs.
He had no body to go with him.
Doctor: Mr Beazley, that pain in your leg is simply due to old age.
Patient: I don't think so! My other leg is just the same age and it feels fine.
Zookeeper: I've lost one of my elephants.
Other Zookeeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?
Zookeeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!
A guest calls the waiter and complains, "How come there are no chairs at our table?"
The waiter shrugs, "I'm sorry but you only booked one table…"
She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go…
He: Just call in sick then.
A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle's house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century! The boy sighed in relief: Oh, good that it wasn't new.
Umme Salma, class X, The Oxford Senior Secondary School, J P Nagar, Bengaluru
Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is that possible?
Kid: He became father only when I was born.
Teacher: Maria go to the map and find North America
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now, class who discovered America?
Class: Maria.
Teacher: Glenn how do you spell ‘crocodile’?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L
Teacher: No, That’s wrong
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek? A: Because they’re always spotted!
What kind of witch do you find at the beach?
A SANDwich!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A: A Maybe!
Q: Why don't aliens eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
One day, little Sam is out walking with his dad.
Sam says, "Do you know what runs but never walks, dad?"
"I don't know, Sam."
"Water."
Q: Who is the dog’s favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Student: I didn't even know it was sick!
Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils!
Q: Teacher: Didn't I tell you to stand at the end of the line?
A: Student: I tried but there was someone already there!
Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both give out sentences.
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.
Q: Teacher: If you got Rs.20 from 5 people, what you get?
Student: A new bike.
Q: What did one egg say to the other egg?
A: I had an eggsellent day!
Q: What’s worse than getting back a test with a zero?
A: Getting a test with 100 marks. Bragging about it. Getting praised. Finding out the test wasn't really yours.
Q: Which monster makes light?
A: A Lampire
Q: What work do witches do in a hotel?
A: Broom service.
Q: Why did one fish ask the other "Do you know how to drive this thing"?
A: Because they are in a fish 'tank.'
Q: What do you give a sick pig?
A: Oinkment.
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!
Q: What is the most hardworking part of the eye?
A: The pupil.
Q: Why did the barber win the race?
A: Because he took a short cut.
Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?
A: Dead ends!
Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?
A: So he could have sweet dreams.
Q: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
A: Squeaky clean!
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.
What do jokes and pencils have in common?
They are no good without a point.
What will they do when the fourth bridge collapses?
Build a fifth bridge.
What do you use to fix a broken tooth?
Toothpaste.
Why do birds fly south?
Because it is too far to walk.
Q: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A: A watch dog.
Q: What pine has the longest needles?
A: A porcupine.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: The chicken wasn’t around yet.
Geo Abraham, class VI, Nurture International School, Bengaluru
A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game? A: Their bats flew away.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it you die. What is it?
A: Nothing.
Q: What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short.
Q: What is as light as a feather, but even the world's strongest man couldn't hold it for more than a minute?
A: His breath!
Q: What starts with the letter "t", is filled with "t" and ends in "t"?
A: A teapot!
Q: Why can't your hands be 12 inches long?
A: Because then they would be feet!
A man was sentenced to death by the court.
Judge: How would you like to die?
Man: Sir, I would like to die of old age!
Chemistry teacher: Can you give me the formula for water?.
Student: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O
Chemistry teacher: Where did you get that?
Student: You told us the other day it was H to O.
Teacher: Our topic for today is Photosynthesis.
Teacher: So, What is photosynthesis, class?
Students: Photosynthesis is our topic today !
Teacher: John is climbing a tree to pick some mangoes. Now begin the sentence with mangoes.
Student: Mangoes, John is coming to pick you!
Teacher: What do you call mosquitoes in your language?
Student: We don't call them, they come on their own!
A looking at the sky asks B, "What is that, sun or moon?"
B replies, "I don't know I am new in this city."
What happens when a lion roars thrice?
It's simple: Tom and Jerry cartoon begins.
When was Gandhiji born?
On his birthday!
What did the little hand say to the big hand on the clock?
Meet me at noon for lunch.
What food do math teachers eat?
Square meals!
How do you get straight As?
By using a ruler!
Scene: A radio newsroom.
Caller: I wanted to let you know you're off the air.
Host: Yes, we know. The engineers are working on it.
Caller: It would be nice if you put something on the air that says that.
While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?"
The boy became very quiet. So, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?"
He promptly replied, "Another train."
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on north or south side of Main Street. The person answered, "That depends on which direction you're coming from."
Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
Q. Why do the French like to eat snails so much? A. They can’t stand fast food.
Q: Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
A: They kept saying Bach, Bach!
Q: Why couldn't the athlete listen to her music?
A: Because she broke the record!
Q: What type of music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music!
Q: What makes music on your head?
A: A head band!
Q: What part of the turkey is musical?
A: The drumstick!
Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can't tuna fish!
Q: What has forty feet and sings?
A: The school choir!
Q: Why did the girl sit on the ladder to sing?
A: She wanted to reach the high notes!
Q: What is the musical part of a snake?
A: The scales!
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
SRK's next movie is called Zero. It's also the number of good movies he has done in last 5 years.
AUTOCORRECT ERRORS
“I am hungary.”
“Maybe you should czech the fridge.”
“I’m russian to the kitchen.”
“Is there any turkey?”
“We have some, but it’s covered in greece”
“ew, there’s norway I’d eat that!”
Anyone who thinks “talk is cheap”… obviously didn’t pay my daughter’s last mobile phone bill!
Q: What do you call an iPhone that isn’t kidding around?
A: Dead Siri-ous
Q: Why was the cell phone wearing glasses?
A: It lost its contacts.
Boss: How old are you?
Worker: I am 40 years old.
Boss: How many years have you worked here?
Worker: Fifty years, sir.
Boss How can you be 40 years old and work for 50?
Worker: Overtime.S
Jim: My bro has trouble with appendicitis.
Ruth: Is he very ill?
Jim: Not at all, he just can't spell it.
Judge: So why did you hit your husband with the chair?
Wife: Because I could not lift the table!
Customer: Is this watch waterproof?
Salesman: Yes, it is. Once the water gets in, it does not come out.
Andrea W Fernandes, class VII, Schoenstatt St Mary’s High School, Bengaluru
Nisha: Teacher, I can’t solve this problem.
Teacher: Why? Any five-year-old should be able to solve this.
Nisha: No wonder I can't solve this then. I am nearly 10.
Teacher: Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun. Everyone should attend it.
Raju: No Ma’am. I won’t be able to attend it.
Teacher: Why?
Raju: My mother will not allow me to go that far.
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask I want you all to answer at once. Now what is 6+4?
Class: At once!
Dad: How was the paper?
Rohan: It was okay, but question 5 confused me. It wanted the past tense of think. I thought and thought and ended up writing thinked.
Oindrila deb, class VII, Shri Shikshayatan
I was in a house trying to fix their internet connection. The brother called out to his sister in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the sister in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123."
If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl.
"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.
A third spoke up, "We are all human beans."
Funny puns
I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
I could spell disaster.
Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Secretary: “Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 who says he's invisible.” Doctor: “Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
The future, the present and the past walked into a room. Things got a little tense.
For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.
Santa and Banta were driving to Disneyland. The sign said, 'Disneyland Left'. So, they started crying and went home.
Tanay Toshniwal, class X, St.Therese Convent School, Dombivli
A: “Where were you born?”
B: “India.”
A: “Which part?”
B: “What 'which part'? My whole body was born in India.”
Teacher: From which period to which period did foreigners rule over us?
Student: I am not sure but I think it’s from page 50 to page 55
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention here?
Student: Yes ma’m, I am paying as little attention as I can.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself!
Two trucks were travelling on a highway. The second truck driver was continuously blowing the horn. After 10 minutes the first truck driver got down and asked with a lot of irritation, ‘why are you continuously blowing the horn?’ The second truck driver replied, ‘Because of the writing behind your truck which says, HORN PLEASE.’
Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
What happened to the plant in maths class?
A: It grew square roots.
Q: What is a chalkboard's favourite drink?
A: Hot chalk-olate!
Why did the music teacher need a ladder?
Q: What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
A: The Nucleus
Robbers have also borne the brunt of demonetisation. Vikas Kumar, a labourer, was walking towards a bus stop when he was accosted by two men on a motorcycle. They snatched his purse that had three 500-rupee notes and fled. Just as Kumar was deciding what to do, he spotted them returning. They threw the purse at him and proceeded to chastise him, telling him that he should have carried money in 100-rupee notes.
Teacher: This essay ‘on your dog’ is a word for word copy of your brother’s essay.
Student: Yes sir, it is the same dog.
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Q: How are elephants and trees alike?
A: They both have trunks!
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work.
Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In a river bank!
Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!
Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
Because he though it was a HIGH school!
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new one!
What kind of beans cannot be grown in the garden?
Jelly beans!
What kind of keys can’t open locks?
Monkeys! (or donkeys or turkeys!)
Little Johnny's little brother was screaming up a storm.
Little Johnny asked his Mom, “Where'd we get him?”
Mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny said, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
ADRIJA DUTTA ROY, class X, BDM International, Kolkata
A first time flyer in an airplane went to see the cockpit and started snatching away the earphones of the pilot.
The pilot got angry, "Stop, why are you snatching my earphones?"
Passenger replied, "We should get the earphones, we have paid the air fare, you are travelling for free, how can you use them?"
Why did Johnny take a plumber when he went to write an examination? Somebody told him the paper had been leaked!
Anil says to his roommate: Sunil, can you please lend me a spare toothbrush.
Sunil: Why do you want a new toothbrush?
Anil: A bristle broke.
Sunil: So what if one bristle broke? Why do you need a new toothbrush?
Anil: That was the last one!
Q: Knock, knock
A: Who's there? Juno. Juno who? Juno how to open this door? It's stuck!
Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who's there? Scott. Scott who? Scott nothing to do with you!
A: Who's there? Apple. Apple who? Apple. Apple who?? Apple. Apple who?? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say apple?
Q: Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
A: To the baa-baa shop!
Q: Why did the boy take a ladder to school?
A: Because he thought it was a ‘high’ school!
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because he wasn't peeling very well!
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
“Yes of course,” said the doctor, “Why not!”
"Oh ! How nice it would be. I have been illiterate for so long," replied Banta joyfully.
Mother: Why did you get such low marks in that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
Lady: Is this my train?
Station master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I meant to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station master: No madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
What is the one that thing that is useful when broken?
Ans: An egg.
What can you crack but not break?
Ans: A joke!
Kripa Krishna, class VI, WGS, Bengaluru
If red house is on the left and blue house is on the right, then where is the white house?
Ans: In Washington DC.
Why can't a bicycle stand?
Ans: Because it is two tired.
Shreyas Agarwal, class VI, WGS, Bengaluru
Which call can you never receive?
Ans: Thermocol.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
Ans: His drill slipped!
Kashika Agarwal, class V, WGS, Bengaluru
Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
Jose: Don't bite any.
Teacher: What is further away, America or the Moon?
Student: America!
Teacher: America? Whatever gave you that idea?
Student: Simple, we can see the moon from where we are, but not America!
Sir: This is the fifth time in this week that I have had to punish you. What do you have to say?
Student: Thank God Saturday and Sunday are holidays, Sir!
Teacher : Now, Pappu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Pappu: No sir, I don't have to as my mom is a very good cook.
Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?
Nick: What do you think it is, Sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW!
Nick: I don't think I know either, Sir!
There is one person in our district who is responsible for the “No Child Left Behind” notification? Who’s that?
The bus driver.
Q) What has 4 wheels and flies?
A) A garbage truck!
Q) What do you call a sleeping bull?
A) A bulldozer!
Q) What do witches learn in school?
A) Spelling!
Mother To Johnny: "How was your exam? Were all questions difficult?"
Johnny : "No mom, all the questions were simple. It was the answers which gave me the trouble!”
Teacher: "Why are you late, Frank?"
Frank : "Because of the sign."
Teacher: "What sign?"
Frank: The one that says, "School Ahead,
Go slow.”
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted to doing it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Louis : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
ADRIJA DUTTA ROY, Class X, BDM International, Kolkata
Why can’t a man living in New York be buried in Chicago?
A. Because he is still living!
What do cats read in the morning?
Mewspapers!
What is a cat's favourite colour?
Purrr-ple.
Where did the school kittens go for their field trip?
To the mewseum.
Why do cats make terrible story-tellers?
They only have one tail.
Why did the cat run away from the tree?
Because it was afraid of the bark!
Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide?
Because he is always spotted.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats!
A zoo worker stands in front of a cave of a crocodile. The jaw of the crocodile is widely open.
A visitor comes up to a worker and asks: “What has happened to the crocodile?”
“I don’t know yet. The doctor went there an hour ago and has not returned yet,” said the worker.
A crocodile has 2 eyes and 80 teeth.
Question: What has 80 eyes and 2 teeth?
Answer: A bus full of old men.
A teacher comes to the home of one naughty kid. “Is your mom at home?” asked the teacher.
“No, she’s not here,” said the naughty kid, quite scared.
“And your father??
“No, he has hidden himself as well,” said the kid.
In school, Teacher says: “Johnny, why are you late again?”
Johnny: “But you have said that it's never too late to learn.”
Q: Were does a boat go when it is sick?
A: To the dock.
Q: Why is b always cool?
A: Because it’s between ac.
Q: What goes on and on and has an ‘i’ in the middle?
A: An onion
A race is about to start. The coach says “1!2!3! GO!” and blows the whistle. Everybody except Fred runs.
Coach: Fred! Why aren’t you running?
Fred: Because my number is 4.
Q: What goes up and down but never moves?
A: Stairs.
Q: Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?
A: He was board.
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing!
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It is 42!"
Teacher: "Great, and who will tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It’s 24."
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Where do you get sugar from then?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbour.
Two students were chatting:
First student: Do you know what is a snake's favourite subject?
Second student: No, you tell me.
First student: Hisssstory!!!
Teacher: From when to when did foreigners rule us?
Student: I am not sure but I think from page 50 to 55...
Q: Why did the teacher write on the window?
A: Because she wanted the lesson to be very clear!
Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a Jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi!
Q: What did zero say to the number eight?
A: Nice belt.
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: "Where is Popcorn?"
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What did the hammer say to the piece of wood?
A: We nailed that one!
Teacher: Class give me a sentence with politics in it.
Student: My parrot Poly ate a clock, and now, poly(tics).
Q: Which one is heavier? A snail or an elephant?
A: A snail because it carries its house on its back.
Q: Why is history like a fruit cake?
A: Because it's full of dates!
Q: Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
A: So he wouldn't be found in the strawberry patch.
Q : What do you call a dinosaur with no eye.
A: Do-you-think-he-saw-us.
Q: What type of phone can’t be used to call a friend?
A: A xylophone.
Q: What kind of fish is famous?
A: A star fish.
Q: Where do cows like to go to on the weekends ?
A: To the MOOOvies.
Q: Why did the scarecrow win an award?
A: Because he was best in his field.
Student: "It is 42 ma’am!"
Same student: "It is 24 ma’am."
Father to son: How did you write your exam?.
Son: They had asked questions which I didn't know, so I wrote answers which they will not know.
Teacher: Draw a picture of a bacteria.
Student: Here it is Ma’am!
Teacher: Where? It is blank.
Student: You said bacteria can’t be seen with the naked eye!
A mom calls out to her son "Harry! Wake up! You'll be late for school." The son replies, "Mom I don't want to go to school! The teachers and students hate me! Give me one reason I should go!" The mom replies, "You should go because you're the principal!"
Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus have in common?
A: They were all born on holidays.
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age!
Angry Mr X: Give me `20 cr or else return my `20!
Q: Which animal can carry the most on its back?
A: The snail. It carries his house on its back.
Four men set up a taxi service. But they got no customers. This was because two of them sat in the front and two at the back. After a while, their taxi broke down. They tried pushing it to the repair shop, but without luck, because two pushed from the front and two, from the back. As you can see, their service failed miserably!
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator.
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta.
Rajlakshmi R, class X, DAV PS, Thane
Announcement in school: Students who have parked their cycles in front of the gate, please move them to the parking area.
After 30 minutes, another announcement: The 400 students who went to move 10 cycles please come back to their respective classes!
Judge: What is the proof that you were not overspeeding? Man: My Lord, I was going to my father-in-law's house to bring back my wife. Judge: Case dismissed.
A miserly man opened a sweetshop and gave an advertisement: Helper required. Qualification: The candidate must have diabetes.
Child: Dad, there is a small PTA meeting in school tomorrow.