Some friends (or should we say acquaintances) are weird, at times. One day, they will behave like you are everything to them and the next, they will ignore you like you never existed. Frankly, it shouldn’t hurt you because they were not meant to be your friends and the sooner such people vanish  out of your life, the less baggage they will leave on your mind. Still, if it affects you, help is at hand. We tell you how...

Welcome to the 21st century version of the penultimate silent treatment where suffering is delivered much like the three-step punch (jab, cross, hook). Online and in person, you find yourself ignored, deleted and blocked. No app in the world can  tell you why this amazing friend who was your best pal till a second ago, is not interested in having anything to do with you. Which is why we’re decoding this modern mystery that would even baffle mystery novelists too. 

What usually goes wrong 
An act of getting ghosted, though, is a clear indicator that there are deeper problems. Says Alka Kumar, guidance counsellor, Ryan International School, “Today youngsters suffer from overexposure, and it can lead them to feeling jaded. Which is why, in a group, if one doesn’t feel like they are valued enough, they might resort to withdrawing from another friend in the same group, to see if someone will notice.” For her, it amounts to playing mind games through manipulation. Another reason may be peer pressure. Adding to this, Dr Sameer Malhotra, director (mental health and behavioural sciences), Max Super Speciality Hospital, says it is happening more than we know it. “Children may begin to face this right from class VI or VII where friendships happen in groups. This group mentality may cause one child to be singled out, if he/she doesn’t follow or fails to follow, the preset norms set by the group.”

Should you blame yourself?  
Getting ghosted doesn’t mean you did something wrong, but there may be a confusion on either side. Unless the person has fallen victim to paranoia or made a conscious  attempt at mindfulness, ghosted may also be a result of overhyped expectations. As rightly pointed by Dr Malhotra, “In friendship, sometimes, one thinks of the other in exceedingly good terms and holds them up to high standards. And if the second person fails in living up to the expectation, they’re let go. Some personalities have dichotomous thought patterns, and tend to be intense thinkers, ending up in volatile relationships that burn out quickly.”

Accepting or fighting it out
Call it guilt on the part of the ghoster, but they prefer not to discuss anything. In effect, the person, besides ghosting you, denies you a closure. Says Sweta Sangla, a neurology doctor, “Typically in facing rejection from a friend, the primary defence mechanism of a person comes to the forefront while handling a stressful situation. So if you generally have a denial as a coping mechanism, in such a case, you will deny everything to yourself.”

What steps should you take?
Understanding the action of a ghoster friend may seem bizarre to even comprehend. Don’t beat yourself up, rehashing every conversation that you may think has caused it. Text them, but don’t go overboard, and definitely stay away from writing Facebook posts. Take some time off and then revisit the friend, and just say ‘hello’ if you see them after a while. You never know, what works but there are some rules you must follow:   

1. As hard as it may seem, you need to respect other people’s wishes and understand that this is their  choice. It’s not really about you.

2. Instead of getting worked up, take time to think about it with a cool head.

3. If you’ve already texted hellos and jokes and got no response, STOP. It will add to your personal frustration and anger.

4. Avoid writing out emotional outbursts on Facebook. Take a page instead and vent your feelings.

5. Just let go of people who want to go, it’s the best service you can do to the other person and to yourself

Know your terms:

What it means to get ghosted: When a friend suddenly turns off all contacts with you, online and in person, it’s called ghosted. She/he gives no explanation for such an act, and even brushes off all the attempts for a patch up. The person, literally, disappears from your life. Films like ‘Casper the Ghost’ and ‘Ghost’ popularised this term. 

The Ghoster: The person who has stopped talking to you, and ignores your attempts to reach out.

The Ghostee: The individual who is left wondering why this is happening.